Marriage and family therapist Shontel Cargill promises me that these feelings are normal. She says friendship loss is common between the mid and late 20s for several reasons: life transitions, romantic relationships, evolution of priorities, and more. And while it doesn’t happen to everyone, the loss of a friendship can “lead to psychological problems” for some, causing anxiety, depression, confidence, and self-esteem issues. Check, check, check and check.
Cargill says talking about your struggles with others can help the healing process, but I’ll be honest, it hasn’t worked for me. Most of the people I’ve spoken to about my predicament don’t understand, which only makes me feel worse. I tried to bring it up during the aforementioned conversation with Simone, but her empathetic smile and compassionate eyes said enough: she couldn’t relate. Happy hair.
I needed answers. Concrete suggestions – not those generic suggestions that I ‘market to’ or ‘just give it time’. Everyone around me had managed to hold onto friends all their lives; everyone seemed to be on girls’ trips and drunken brunches; It seemed that there was a group of confidants ready to drop everything for them. And here I was, a lonely, overworked 28-year-old who spent way too much time in her apartment wondering why she didn’t have all of that.
So, like a good journalist, I decided to investigate. After talking to Simone, I decided I would reach out to some of my former friends directly to see if we could have a conversation about why we “broken up.” Many refused, and understandably so. But to my surprise, a few agreed to participate in my crazy plan.
Here are those conversations — and their revelations. Their names have changed.
Celine
Circumstances brought Celine and me together. We were both new freshmen at an international school in Nairobi, and our shared anxiety turned out to be the perfect BFF elixir. Celine was sweet and reserved, with a quiet confidence that I admired, especially as I got older. But she wanted to do her own thing and I, a not-so-confident 14-year-old, wanted to fit in. I had a thirst for popularity, and when I realized Celine didn’t share that, I neglected the friendship. Soon it evaporated.
Celine remembered things the same way.
“Once school started, we new kids were initially welcomed into the ‘misfit’ group that every high school has,” she wrote to me via Facebook. “But in the end we parted ways – you, to join the funny kids, a group of hilarious and kind people who matched your unparalleled humor and powerful energy, and me, to join the kids in the back of the bus , literally and figuratively.”
