Well, I did it: my daughter is now a year old. Together we made it through her babyhood, and somehow, 365 days later, she is a toddler. Her age is no longer measured in weeks or months, but in actual years. Glimpses of the person she will become begin to appear. She can walk; she can say “mama-mama”; she can throw a tantrum if her drinking cup is empty. She can climb the stairs faster than you can shout, “Who left the door open?!” She likes it Come strictly dance and Harry Styles. When I became a single mother eight weeks after giving birth, I was extremely afraid of the future. I had no idea how I would handle it. Still, I did it – you just do it. No one’s first year as a parent looks the same, and we all come up with coping mechanisms. If you find yourself in the same position as me, here are my pearls of wisdom for you.
Create your own village
It’s a cliché for a reason. It’s impossible to try to do everything yourself. All that will happen is that you will be unhappy, and so will your baby. Accept help from anyone who offers it, whether it’s your neighbor who intercepts your packages so the postman doesn’t wake you (it’s common knowledge that they’ll call as soon as one of you goes to sleep), or your playgroup friend who spends an hour watch your baby for a long time while you go to the dentist. Take the homemade lasagna and the offer of some housework; don’t be too proud.
Be prepared for others to think they know exactly what it feels like because XYZ
“Oh, I’m actually a single mom too, my husband works crazy hours,” is a refrain that you’ll get used to when you hear a variation, and you’ll just swallow it down with a nod and a smile. It’s not the same, of course, for a myriad of reasons, not least because their partner will actually come back at some point.
Screen time is totally fine… and in fact essential for survival
“I’m not going to let my kids have an iPad,” is a thought I once had, before I desperately needed five minutes to empty the dishwasher, make a cup of coffee, or take a shower in peace without a screaming baby following me. from room to room, begging to be picked up or played with.
It’s hard to have someone to share the highlights with
Of course, it’s exhausting not being able to share the burden when it comes to nursery pick-ups, teething, illnesses, and day-to-day parenting. But what I didn’t expect was how difficult it can be not to have someone to share the joyful moments with, those all-important milestones. There is no one to sit down with after my daughter goes to bed and talk about how astonishing it’s that she pointed to the TV remote because she wanted to. Or that she could figure out how to open the freezer door and put her hand inside. There are only so many times you can bore your friends senseless with your budding Einstein’s progress…
Hangovers just aren’t worth it
Because the night you drink more than one glass of wine is the night they decide they’re waking up every 45 minutes after two weeks of sleeping through the night.
You don’t have to become a hermit
You thought you’d have the occasional night off with the girls for a cocktail while your partner held the baby. That didn’t happen. But just because you’re a single parent doesn’t mean you have to avoid social gatherings. Instead, just consider your little plus one. It’s possible to take a little one to birthday parties, brunches, pub outings and more, it just takes some practice and preparation. Make sure you always have diapers, spare clothes, wipes, snacks, milk and toys with you, and train them so they enjoy taking naps on the go. You’ll be amazed at how social this makes them too, and how much your friends will love having them in the gang. Plus, it’s a ready-made excuse to leave whenever you want.
Choose your nights off very carefully
That said, there will be times when you want to do things alone – and that’s completely understandable. Weddings and bachelorette parties immediately come to mind as no-baby zones, especially if you want to let your hair down. Because time away from your little one is precious, it’s vital that you don’t waste it on someone or something that isn’t worth it. This also applies to dates: it is your right to be very picky. Likewise, you need to learn how to say “no” to things you don’t want to do. There is absolutely no point in being overloaded; it ultimately benefits no one.
Speaking of dating, people will still find you attractive
When my partner and I broke up, I thought I was doomed to a single life, with the scarlet ‘SM’ of ‘SINGLE MOTHER’ emblazoned across my chest. However, I have discovered that it is not as big a problem as I first thought. By the time you’re in your mid to late 30s, the majority of people have some sort of baggage, whether it’s a failed marriage or one or two children. Bigger picture? Having a baby is actually quite a nice thing to have. Just make sure you’re honest about it from the start, and that you’re on the same page when it comes to future children.
Being sick is harder than you can ever imagine
Imagine: you have norovirus and you try to be sick as quietly as possible to avoid waking your baby. When you inevitably wake them up, try to lull them back to sleep before the vomiting starts again, all while your stomach churns. Then they don’t get the memo the next day that mom is very… terribly tired and need to rest. Annoyingly, they get the memo that it’s playtime – oh, and naps will only last 30 minutes today.
Mom friends don’t cringe, they’re amazing
Before I had my daughter, I was adamant that I didn’t need to go out and make a whole new group of ‘mom friends’ – after all, the only thing we had in common was that we had produced? I was wrong. You need mom friends. Of course, keep your old friends, but there is a special bond between mothers who are experiencing the same things at the same time. You can turn to them for advice (“Does this look like a rash or eczema?”) or just a giant groan (“Remind me why I had kids?”), and they’re great for when you just want to get around the house to go out and do something to entertain your child.
People aren’t as judgmental as you think
The few times I had to tell a stranger that I was a single mother, I was overwhelmed by their kindness and generosity. It happens so much more than you might think, and there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
