I texted a cover photo of my new book to my siblings. “Congratulations,” wrote my older brother, the single parent of two teenagers. “My kids could use some crisis management, so this is good timing.”
“The book is actually intended to manage you – the parent. Because if they are in crisis, so are you,” I wrote back.
Worried parents make anxious children
We will all have that moment when we are called to the hospital room, school office, or bedside to stand next to a beloved spouse, pet, parent, client, or our child. Someone we love is in physical or mental distress and this will affect us.
The mother of a child who spent six months in the hospital with bacterial meningitis told me, “When your child suffers, it is the worst pain in the world. You are helpless to take it away. Instead I would like to suffer. It is the worst pain of my life.” Functional MRI images have shown that when someone we love is in pain, we automatically run the same pain circuit in our brains, minus the specific location of the location. This means that when we witness our loved one in pain, we are in pain too. And it is not a choice we consciously make.
When those we love are sick or struggling, it’s easy to focus on how we can help them through the situation. It’s normal to panic and react with fear or anger when faced with something that feels so difficult. We can let ourselves down in this rush to fix someone’s pain.
This pain circuit runs both ways, and when parents are stressed, their children feel it. Research over time shows that “Anxious parents make anxious children.” Especially when children are suffering, our fear increases their perception of pain and discomfort. One of the best things we can do when our children are hurting is to take care of our feelings and our own fears.
Our presence is important. How we are doing is felt. Am I contributing to peace and care in this moment, or am I contributing to the helplessness, chaos and despair?
What I have learned through my experience with my children’s suffering is that I cannot solve their pain for them or heal what is happening inside them. The best gift I can give them is my emotional regulation and balance, so that my discomfort doesn’t spill over to them and worsen the pain.
In Buddhism we learn that our thoughts are actions – they form the basis for all our words and the energy we bring to situations. Our thoughts create our experience. When we set our intention to be a presence of care or connection in this interaction, we are already doing something.
Desk
Living in accordance with our intention means that we have already taken action. By becoming aware of what we do rather than what we cannot control, we avoid experiencing helplessness or falling into despair and depression.
This shift is called agency in psychology: the ability to see that our actions influence our lives and make a difference.
This return to the agency can shift brain activation from a shared painful experience to one of gentle joy as a presence of care and support. I can be present with my child in a way that aligns with my highest intentions and does not shift my suffering onto them.
Setting intentions supports freedom of choice by creating clarity about how we want to contribute to the world. I view intention setting as a profound gift that I want to offer throughout my life, to my children and to everyone I come into contact with.
Use these steps to connect with your intention:
- Stop and pay attention to your body – How are you? The body is always in the present moment and brings us into self-connection.
- Calm yourself – Place your hand on your heart or cheek. Come back to breathing and rest with the inhalation and exhalation. Focus on the exhalation. This stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system and begins to calm the nervous system as we guide ourselves.
- Ask for what you desire right now, and then offer it to yourself – For example: “May I be calm and patient.” “May I be solid and strong, even in this.” “May I take care of my pain.” ‘Can I run the risk of being open to sadness?’ “May I live without fear.” “May I recognize what is good in my life.” “May I see kindness in the world.” This acknowledges your feelings and needs in the moment and creates your experience.
- Ask for what you want for yourself and your child or for the person in pain, and then offer it to both of you – What is the best thing I can offer myself and them right now? For example: “May I be a caring presence for you and me.” “May I know what is yours and what I should wear.” “May I keep my heart open for you and for me.” “May I be calm, even in this.”
- Write down your intention – To remember my meaning, I wrote it on my arm, on my sneaker and on a note that I taped to my computer. It can be helpful to write down your resolution and have it in your pocket.
These simple practices can help give back a sense of power over what I have jurisdiction over, and help me know that I am to do somethingEven though I can’t take away someone else’s pain. Returning to the intention reminds me that while I may not have a choice about feeling pain, I do have a choice about how I stand up for myself and my child.
Author biography
Celia Landman, MA, is a mindfulness teacher who provides support to teens and adults. She draws from experiences working with people affected by trauma, addiction and anxiety, creating customized meditations, visualizations and trainings to reconnect them with their wholeness. She was ordained by Thich Nhat Hahn as a member of the Plum Village Community of Engaged Buddhism. She is also a certified trainer at the Center for Nonviolent Communication.
Her new book, When the Whole World Tips: Parenting through a crisis with attention and balance (Parallax Press, November 21, 2023), describes how to find balance while navigating seemingly impossible parenting situations. More information at celialandman.com.
