Understanding the challenges and complex dynamics when adult daughters choose to estrange from their mothers can mean untangling a complicated web of emotions and circumstances. Alienation is a difficult choice that is not made lightly.
Severing what is essentially seen as one’s most central relationship is a painful experience for both daughter and mother. It is often accompanied by criticism and judgment, not only from family members, but also from friends, colleagues and acquaintances. For the estranged mother and daughter, it often remains a dreaded topic of conversation in social situations because others believe they have the authority to lecture or shame the daughter who made such a choice. Meanwhile, the mother struggles with shame, insecurity and self-doubt. Often outsiders will say – or at least think to themselves – “What have you done to your child?”
Alienation does not discriminate. For adult women who choose to become estranged from their mothers, the causes often stem from abuse, neglect, or trauma. Their choice to cut all ties with their mother is the result of failed attempts to repair or heal the relationship. Alienation arises from an accumulation of experiences that signal to daughters that any attempt to continue the relationship will be detrimental to their mental – and possibly physical – health.
It is not uncommon for mothers to retaliate by claiming that their daughters are exaggerating their experiences. But it is important to recognize that the level of trauma is interpreted by the person experiencing it. Trauma is stored in memories in different ways, so one person’s memory can look very different from another’s.
Through an exploration of alienation with adult daughters in a clinical setting, we discover that they describe a variety of symptoms they have endured that indicate the energy they expended to reach their decision.
Showing support to estranged daughters can alleviate much of their fear. Here are a few tips:
1. For partners
As a compassionate partner or husband of a woman who has experienced a breakup with her mother, realize how painful the estrangement is for your loved one. When you find yourself in a situation that involves discussions about family systems or dynamics, follow your partner’s lead and let your partner lead the conversation. Support her decision to disclose as much or as little as necessary to interact with others in a way that feels safe to her. Encourage her to develop other healthy relationships, and befriend parental figures when necessary.
2. For brothers and sisters
A tense relationship between a parent and an adult daughter can manifest itself in siblings. Siblings often feel like they are in the middle of it all. To maintain healthy boundaries with both your estranged sibling and your mother, don’t share what they share. Although the urge to go back on what your mother said about your brother or sister – or vice versa – is strong, repeating what was said can be very hurtful. Your revelations can keep the trauma cycle alive. Siblings and mothers can reveal a variety of emotions, all of which are valid. Acknowledge without trying to minimize or deny their emotions. Statements like “I see how that hurt you” or “I hear how painful this is for you” can indicate that you are listening with compassion, without taking sides.
3. For friends
Friends, colleagues, and extended family members who want to support an adult daughter who is estranged from her mother as best they can in their social sphere will respect her choice to become estranged. Stay compassionate and follow her lead if she wants to talk about her estrangement or not. Become aware of triggers in conversations that might bring out the shame or pain of her alienation, such as questions about vacations, family events, Mother’s Day gatherings, or other occasions in which they have decided not to participate.
Assumptions about alienation are widespread and can exacerbate the emotional burden of those involved. Whenever alienation is pursued in response to family conflict, providing a compassionate, judgment-free space for those daughters who are estranged from their mothers is the best tool to help them heal.
Author biography
Khara Croswaite Brindle is a licensed mental health therapist in private practice in Denver, Colorado. She holds various roles, including financial therapist, TEDx speaker, burnout consultant, author and professor. Her new book is Understanding a Disturbed Mother-Daughter Relationship: Guiding the Adult Daughter’s Healing Journey through the Energy Cycle of Alienation (Rowman & Littlefield, July 1, 2023). Access therapeutic resources for adult children at alienationenergycycle.com
