If you get pushback or have doubts about staying in a marriage for your children, consider this: you can replace a partner, but you cannot replace the hearts of your children.
I am surprised that we have been about to get into American culture, where it is not good to get married ‘only for the children’. How did we get the idea that self-sacrifice is a bad thing or that someone who wants to stay for that reason should be considered a sold-out? According to Dr. We must reconsider Anita Gadhia-Smith, an author and psychotherapist who consults for the United States congress. As she said: “In the current climate, people separate easily because we live in a disposable company. There is very little tolerance for the normal discomfort of life and relationships, and people want everything to be easy.”
So we don’t stay for the children, but we leave for various reasons that are considered more important, such as money, the pursuit of freedom of responsibility or the “grass is greener” illusion?
Soul Custody: Saving children from divorce
Dr. Gadhia-Smith spoke at the virtual launch party for my book, Soul Custody: Saving children from divorce. Hare is a refreshing perspective and I agree. I wrote my book as a wake -up call, alerted by a sad contradiction. We don’t stay in a marriage for the children. But we will leave for various reasons that are considered more important. How are those reasons more important than saving our children to break their hearts or to set up a harmful inheritance?
Studies show that divorce children have much less tolerance and resilience in their own relationships. When it becomes difficult in their own marriages, they have more resort to a divorce. I admit that I am a poster for this dynamic. I not only inherited a legacy of divorce when my own parents separated, I promoted it with my own divorce. In my case, although I worked extremely hard in therapy and 12-step recovery rooms to prevent me from passing on that inheritance, I discovered that I just didn’t have the opportunity to overcome each Hurdle I stood in front. So I gave up my marriage – too early.
In fact, it was Dr. Gadhia-Smith who offered some comfort. As she said, “You were probably so stressed and consumed by your own marital struggles that you were unable to think about the impact on your children until the divorce was over.” She was right.
So, explain this irony: we don’t put the children in the first place while they are married, but suddenly when they are divorced, it is what the warring parents care about. “The best interests of the children” is the line of every submitter and the mouth of the respondent while working out the guardianship schemes. If couples can make a backup and think about the best interests of the children to start with, less would separate in the first place.
Stay for the children
Contact yourself to see if you really put the best interests of the children in the front and in the middle. Ask yourself these four ask to find out if you mainly have children in your parenting spirit:
- Am I worried about how my children think about marriage separation?
- Did I consider the consequences of divorce at their age and phases of life?
- Have I exhausted every available resources to get help for my marriage?
- Do I blame my partner because I don’t want to work with me on things, as a reason to leave?
When “staying for the children” is the goal, divorce can be taken off the table and the games can start with how they can make things work, instead of must she Train or not.
In her 25-year study of the lifelong impact of divorce on children, Judith Wallerstein came to the conclusion that an unhappy marriage is better for children than a divorced. We have had her wisdom with us for decades. As she said News day In 1994: “What is perhaps the best for the parents in many cases is perhaps not the best for the children. It is a real moral problem. If parents can swallow their misery, they must stay with their children.”
Wallerstein and its co-authors of The unexpected legacy of divorce showed that the impact of divorce on children is cumulative. It does not fade. It increases with time and “rises to a crescendo in adulthood.” They discovered that it is in adulthood that children of divorce suffer the most.
What would happen if parents could shift the focus of marriage to the action – and quality – of parenthood; If they could shift their priorities to offer a solid, stable, caring house for their children, and make their own expectations and desires in second place? As Wallerstein and her co-authors discovered: “Children are not as negatively influenced by conflicts in the marriage relationship as by divorce.” I have seen that in my own family – and also in countless others. I have also seen what happens when parents make that shift – to put the children in the first place by staying in the wedding and to work it out.
Author bio
Pamela Henry has worked in the field of guided visitors for non-requirements, written newspaper columns about family matters and classes offered in shared custody of parenting, including “parenting with a pen” and “Pandora’s Box: Managing a Private Journal Collection.” She has a degree in telecommunications to the state of San Diego and obtained a certificate in the early children’s training at UC Riverside.
She is also the owner of Soul Custody Press, who publishes memoirs with a message. She lives in Redlands, California with her three daughters. Her new book is Soul Custody: Saving children from divorce. Read more at Soul Custody Press – memoirs with a message. Send an e -mail to the author for more information about Club 30 meetings [email protected].
