I have suffered from depression all my life. I have undergone numerous treatments, including three treatments of ECT, TMS and dozens of antidepressants. None eased my depression in a significant or lasting way.
Learning what I need has been a gradual process of small steps. But I’m finally discovering what helps me deal with my depression and what gives me some relief from the daily, even hourly, struggle.
To work out
If you’re struggling with depression, being active may be the last thing you want to do. But I’m proof that exercise, no matter how you feel about it, is worth it. A good workout can be invigorating. It can help you reboot yourself.
I do vigorous workouts every day so my 72 year old body isn’t recovering from something or other. When I was younger, I trained twice a day: once in the morning and once in the afternoon to re-energize. I get on the bike or cross trainer for 50 minutes, no matter how I feel. I’ll be honest: I’m scared of it. Before I start, I don’t believe in my heart, soul and mind that it will help. This is how I am in my depression.
But every morning I tell myself, “Think of this as an experiment. Just do it and see if you feel better afterward.” And I start. When I start, the first fifteen seconds feel like an hour and I think, “I can’t do fifty minutes of this.” Then I tell myself to just focus on the minute. I tell myself not to think or worry about the next minute or the minute after that, just the minute I’m in. Minute by minute I count down until I’m done. And with each passing minute. . . Finally I get to the end.
It helps. I always feel better every time. I achieved something very real and achieved a goal I set for myself, which is always satisfying. And of course the endorphins flow. That helps too.
In my darkest days, up to the age of 60, the energy and spirit boost could last only 15 minutes or a few hours. But I always thought something is better than nothing. Now that I’m twelve years into this ongoing transformation, my training gives me a boost throughout the day. And when I get stuck in an energy-draining situation, I think back to my workout that morning. It gives me a feeling of satisfaction, of a job well done and of leftover endorphins.
Take a trip
Sometimes a change of scenery helps you gain a new perspective on your home life. It can help you see the people at home, your life, and your routine in a new way. Seeing new things and meeting new people can give you a new perspective on your partner, family and friends – and, more importantly, a new perspective on yourself. You discover things about who you are, what you need and what you want.
I was forced to quit my teaching job at the community college when it became too dangerous. I had no choice, but I knew I would miss the lifeline of routine and focus it had provided. I needed a new lifeline with structure and focus to prevent me from falling into the abyss without it.
What I clung to was following Bruce Springsteen’s tour in Australia. Why? Because in the year since he came into my life, his energy, his humanity and his enthusiasm lifted me up. He made me feel like I had a chance. He made me feel alive. I hoped that by harnessing some of his beautiful Springsteen magic, I could keep myself out of the abyss.
I hate traveling and I hate being alone. A year earlier I didn’t know who Springsteen was at all. I didn’t go on this journey to change myself. I just went for structure and focus: he was on tour and all I had to do was go to every venue, in every city, to see the concert. But I came back a different person.
For the first time in my life I had a positive ball of energy and a story about me that I was proud of, a story that I wanted to tell. The kindness of strangers in Australia had a big impact. People at home rolled their eyes when I told them I was chasing a rock star around the world. They didn’t appreciate, care or understand that I was fighting for my life. In Australia, many people called me brave. Young people told me they couldn’t get their mothers off the couch to go to the movies or volunteer at a church bazaar—things they’d done before they retired.
Every time someone said something positive about me, no matter how incredulous I was, I stepped outside of myself and tried to see the me they saw. Bruce Springsteen and the people I met in Australia helped me see myself and my place in the world in a new, more positive way.
Music
Music has so much power. It can take you to a new mindset. It can fill you and lift you up. Music can go straight to your heart and soul and make you feel things you’ve never experienced before.
For me, Bruce Springsteen casts a magic spell on stage. He anchors you to every moment, to himself and to the thousands of other fans in the arena. You dance, clap and laugh – without thinking about the past moment or the next moment. You are simply and completely in every moment with The Boss and the thousands of others around you.
You don’t feel alone. Feelings arise deep within. You don’t think about the fact that you are under a spell. You don’t think about being alive. You Are alive. You live in the here and now, with this man, with these people. You lack nothing. You have it all.
When I listen to The Boss’s music years after those concerts, I can recreate these wonderful feelings.
To write
Write down what you see, feel and do. Write to feel connected to people and to yourself.
When I returned from my trip, I realized I had a story to tell: about how to feel better, move forward, learn to dream, and even have fun. About persevering, hoping and being open. I wanted to be part of a conversation about how not to give up. A conversation about never being too late. I believe that sometimes we can offer each other a glimmer of hope, inspiration, and even some joy, just by sharing our stories.
Perseverance
“All you have to do is try. If you try and fail, that’s okay. Because no one can do more than try.” That’s what I told myself, and I recommend it. Say it again and again. Know that you are doing your best. That’s all anyone can ask of themselves. And by doing that, you have your self-respect. Just keep moving forward and give yourself credit for it.
I believe in small steps. Every degree of forward movement, every degree of feeling better is a victory. One day and one step at a time. Even on my worst days, I dragged myself to that exercise bike. Even though I was terrified to get on a plane to Australia, I didn’t go back. I forced myself to go. As long as I tried, even if I didn’t succeed, at least I had the satisfaction and self-respect to know that I had done everything I could possibly do. I embraced perseverance, hope, and being open to where I was and who I was with.
One night Springsteen went back and forth across the stage and said, “How do you get through the day? How do you get through the day and stay alive inside?” Watching The Boss go back and forth, I thought, “If Bruce Springsteen can say this to an arena full of fans, I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way. It’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to struggle and try again.” It was a confirmation for me to hear him say this and to know that I was not the only one. And that it was important to keep trying. It made me hopeful.
Learning to cope with my lifelong battle with depression has always been a goal, and now I can finally do it. It’s those small steps that make the difference. Well, that, and an aging rock star.
Author biography
Anne Abel is an author, storyteller and influencer. Her first memoir, Mattie, Milo and me (2024) was inspired by her Moth StorySLAM victory in New York City. She holds an MFA from the New School for Social Research, an MBA from the University of Chicago, and a BS in chemical engineering from Tufts. She has worked freelance for multiple outlets and has been featured in Newsweek‘S“Boomer’s story of how she met her husband of 45 years fascinates the internet.” Her new book, inspired by her Moth StorySLAM win in Chicago, is High Expectations: A Memoir. She lives in New York City with her husband, Andy, and their cavapoo puppy, Wendell. Find her anneabelauthor.comand on Facebook, Instagram and Tik Tok @annesimaabel.
