In my more than forty years as a psychologist, I have been humbled by the remarkable resilience I have seen emerge in the human mind. Even when people feel like they’ve hit rock bottom, they can tap into their hidden resilience and find their way to a better future.
Here are three stories that illustrate this amazing human ability.
Brianna
Brianna wasn’t meant to live. The consequences of the car accident included a severed aortic valve, a collapsed lung, four broken ribs and several shattered vertebrae. Three operations and two months of hospitalization were just the beginning of her recovery. At the age of 19, Brianna had to learn to walk again.
The rehabilitation was painful, tiring and sometimes humiliating. It had been years since she needed help tying her shoes or wiping her bottom, and this time no one celebrated her transition from diapers to the toilet with cupcakes.
Sometimes she remembers having self-pitying thoughts that she never told anyone: “Why did I have to live while he (the driver of the other vehicle) was lucky enough to die? It was his fault, so why was I punished while he immediately escaped?” Other days, Brianna just wanted to quit. She practiced the speech she was going to give to her family, thanking them for their efforts, but reminding them that it was her life to live, and it wasn’t worth this kind of pain and humiliation. She wanted to admit defeat. Anyone in my condition would do that, she thought. Furthermore, even if she were eventually able to walk, doctors said it would likely always require a walker. She felt like telling them where to post their wheelchair proposal.
Frank
Frank was told he was an excellent candidate for engineering school because he “wasn’t smart” for a four-year college. His high school guidance counselor told him, “Resources for college are scarce. Why don’t we use them for someone who has more study material? There will always be a job for someone like you, Frank, but let’s face it: You’re a working-class kid. Expect to use a shovel, not a computer.”
The blow of this message that he was not perceived as intelligent reverberated in his head for years.
Michael
Michael had an anxiety disorder that led his doctor to prescribe the benzodiazepine drug Xanax to help him function. He was allowed three 1-milligram tablets per day – essentially 90 pills per month. What his doctor didn’t know was that Michael would use all 90 pills in the first two days of the month, giving him incredible highs and resulting in alcohol abuse, petty theft, purchases of opioids and even crack cocaine.
Michael was able to tell me about his exploits, but due to confidentiality I could not share this with his doctor. I encouraged him again and again to rehab, and sometimes I literally prayed that he would make it before his next appointment with me.
Resistance
Psychologists understand that resilience (the ability to bounce back from life’s challenges) is crucial for humans to make a successful journey of some eighty years on planet Earth. Resilience does not exempt anyone from hardships such as trauma, loss, or addiction, but it allows us to persevere, survive, and in many cases thrive rather than wave the white towel of defeat.
Furthermore, we now understand that there are characteristics of resilience that can be identified and measured in humans. We have called these characteristics “the seven Cs of resilience.” They include:
- Jurisdiction
- Courage
- Character
- To deal with
- Connection
- Control
- Contribution
A comprehensive analysis of these characteristics is not possible in this short article, but here is the premise: resilience can be learned. And it is important to teach our children. Since we already know that they will be subjected to and challenged by life’s sometimes cruel plot twists, why not give them the necessary skills to deal with the challenges and persevere? Or, in the immortal words of the old Timex commercial: “Take a lick and keep tapping.”
In the case of the three people I introduced earlier, here are some updates:
Brianna
Brianna was inspired by an occupational therapist and now, a college graduate, she zips around a busy restaurant as a waitress. That is, at least, until she completes her master’s degree in occupational therapy, where she aims to make a difference in the lives of others who are fortunate enough to meet Brianna after a debilitating setback. “No one gives up the fight to recover when I’m on their team – not if I can help it!” she claims.
Frank
Frank was too stubborn to listen to his study advisor and decided to study anyway. He earned three college degrees, including a master’s degree in architectural studies, and taught as a professor at the university level for more than twenty years. Needless to say, his favorite students were the ones who needed a little encouragement and someone to believe in them. It became his mission to be the guidance counselor he never had.
Michael
And Michael? Michael went to rehab, got rid of the dangerous drugs and learned how to manage his anxiety. He now works as a plumber: honest, hardworking and talented. He is always smiling and grateful that he was able to trade his crack pipes for bathroom pipes.
Michael lost his home during Hurricane Ian. For him it was an obstacle, but not a disaster. That’s because Michael already has a wealth of resilience to call on, and he’s grateful to have parents he can move in with temporarily while his house is rebuilt. Home-cooked meals and laundry services are all included free of charge.
Author biography
Dr. Christopher Cortman has provided more than 80,000 hours of psychotherapy during his distinguished career spanning more than four decades. A Florida licensed psychologist since 1985, he maintains a thriving private practice while specializing in emotional trauma and anxiety disorders. He has appeared nationally on talk radio and television.
The critically acclaimed author of four previous books, his new book, The Guided Imagery Cure: The Best Proven Methods for Rapidly Resolving and Healing Trauma, describes a highly impactful tool for addressing trauma, grief, and more. More information at srqshrink.com.
