It is an inevitable fact of life that as your children get older, spend less time with you. And it is completely healthy for them to do that. Through their own path they have to navigate, form connections with others and to learn from any mistakes they make. That all belongs to growing up. But as a parent it can be so difficult to let go. I recently thought a lot about this and about the ways you can stay connected to your teenage son. And I say Son specifically, because as the mother of a teenage boy, I notice that this relationship changes much more with my son than with my teenage daughter.
I want to share a number of things with you that I do to keep the Mum Son relationship strong to give you hopefully a number of ideas to help you stay connected to your teenage son, or at least give you the feeling that someone else is how difficult this relationship is. I am not perfect, and I don’t confess to be (is there even something like a perfect parent!?!) This is just my view of things and the way I navigate as a mother of a teenage son.
Mother son relationships
I have an absolutely unbreakable bond with my teenage son. We are very similar in many ways. We share the same sense of humor and we are both master of sarcasm. We only have to view each other and we know exactly what the other person thinks, and it is often a bit inappropriate. And we are both a bit swear, although nowadays I certainly have a lot better in control than he!
When he was little, he was what you would call a “Mama’s boy.” He kept spending time with me, playing with his toys, going to go to the garden together with his toys, do crafts together, and when he was a little older, she played computer games such as Minecraft together. I have such good memories of both of us on the floor in the living room that completed challenges and can still imagine the appearance of joy on his face while struck his mother. I can add a regular event.
So when that started to disappear, when he started to hide more in his room, when he started playing Call of Duty with his friends, when I got everything out of him, grew and ‘what before dinner’, did not lie, it was heartbreaking. Because trying to stay connected to your teenage son is not easy. Not if they make it difficult for you to stay connected, or give you the time to communicate, or in fact are a person you always like. Let us not forget that we always love our children, but there can be times when we don’t really like them, and it’s all okay to admit that.
There are time that it feels like I’m just nagging … Place your shoes away, grab those wet towels up, empty your container, open your curtains, bring those plates down. And if that is the only interaction that you not only have completely tiring, it is not exactly that you want to spend more time together.
Much of it is about mentality. Children grow, change times and you as a parent have to change with them. Otherwise the connection will really disappear. The fact is that our relationship has never been broken, it has just changed. And the only lesson I had to learn is first to accept it and then change it. And one of the best ways I have found to deal with this change is the search for and appreciating the glimpses.
Holiday Time
Holidays are super expensive for me. I especially work hard to go on a great vacation. It is really important for me to share the world with my children, to open their eyes for the fact that there are so many places to explore and to spend Quality Time with them. Whatever struggles we have to go home, when we go on vacation, we come together and reunite as a family. It is a very special time.
As the years have passed, we also have to adjust how we treat each other on holiday. Teenagers are notoir not great in the morning, so I had to learn to just let it go and instead go without him to the breakfast buffet. If he misses it, then that is not mine. Just as letting go of the control is my problem, not his.
We all started respecting the need for only time and acknowledged how important it is for us to have our own space. And it’s about a compromise, right? He can do what he wants during the day, but we always have meals together. That is something we even do at home. That is a time when we sit together and eat and find that comfortable space to talk.
However, what is really wonderful is how holidays give us the chance to just be around each other, without the pressure of work or university or the other daily things that are going on. And with that relaxed state of mind we feel much more forced to do things together, such as a round of golf (well, ok, so I was his caddy, but it’s still time together), we can play Padel together (in 40 degrees heat!), And we can divide ourselves, so if two of us want to do something, the other two can do something else. It is easy, and that is what holidays have to be about, easy time just hang out and spend time together.
And that afternoon we spent golfing together, I drove the golf buggy (so nice!) Was just a lot of fun. He had taken his own clubs, golf shoes, All the right equipment etc. with him, as we knew in advance that there was a golf course at the hotel in which we stayed. So there was him pro and then I was completely in tourist mode in my shorts, vest top and sliding controllers. I welcomed in the right places, tried to spot balls when they left the race and lifted the flag when he went on the well green. We laughed together, made each other out, were soaked by the sprinklers and had a good conversation. A real chance of good quality Mum Son time was delicious.
Shared interests = shared connections
I have never been one of those intrusive parents who have forced their children to attend a lot of clubs, to learn all the instruments or to taxi who drove them to a million different activities. A compliment for those parents who do that, by the way. How you manage to keep that informed, I will never know, because that is in itself a full -time job. But it was never how I rolled.
And don’t even let me start with the costs. Not only of the activities themselves, but also the stuff you need to pack them. There are football boots, and not just one pair of football boots, they need them with cast studs, removable studs and of course they also need Astro Turf Boots. Then there are reconnaissance uniforms and wet weather equipment and camping equipment for when they go for a walk. Then of course there are all the new accessories they need when they take up the latest things … I mean, come on now, how can you play Padel if you don’t have a decent couple Padel -shoes!?!
Like I said, hat off for you when you spend your time and your money to ensure that your child is entertained and enriched every awake hour of the day. You are a much better mother than me!
Fortunately for me and my husband, both children were happy to do only one hobby at the same time. For my son it was football and for my daughter it was drama. As my son got older, he started choosing hobbies himself. Things he wanted to try, because he was really interested, not just because his parents thought it would be good for him. And so the passion grows.
He now learns electric guitar, plays golf and goes to the gym, all of whom have come about because of his own choice. And it is so wonderful to see that passion grow in him. He clearly loves all three, because if you get him talking, you will be there for hours.
Cherish the moments and stay connected to your teenage son
So for me it is connected to your teenage son mainly about cherishing the moments, or the glimpses that you get with it. Whether that spends time in the gym, together with him to laugh because I cannot cancel heavy weights and I have no idea what all machines stand for, let alone that they use them in the right way. Being his caddy and not knowing what the hell he is about when he talks about touching a ‘mulligan’ (legitically still does not know what that means!). Listening to rock music with him while he points to the guitar riff he learns at the MO and to be honest, has zero indication that I am listening to, but enthusiastically nods on all parts that I think is good.
There was a particularly beautiful morning on vacation, the last morning we were even there, where he woke up so early (we talked about early in 6 o’clock – guess who breakfast that day haha). So instead of waking up the others, we both demolished to the 24 -hour bar, with our laptops and we sat and worked together for a few hours. Both with a coffee, both with headphones on, it does a little overhaul, I do some blog work. There was only a bit of talking occasionally, usually we both sat there in silence, but even that felt like something that we crossed. A mutual convenience and pleasure of each other’s company.
Those small moments are priceless. And I even cherish them at home. He learns to ride right now, so we are still in the Teen Taxi mode, but actually I am a bit of the times that I have to drive it in places. That’s when we have our chats. When he tells me about his day, what he did, what he thinks about things that are going on in the world. And I will miss that if he can control himself. Maybe I should start asking him instead of taxing!
Teen sons don’t always make it easy, but the secret is to cherish the glimpse. Because they are something memorable and unbreakable. Stay interested in what they do and you remain connected. In the end they just want to be noticed, to make you proud and to achieve your love and that is something that never changes.
How do you stay connected to your teenage son?
Thank you very much for reading my message, it always means the world. Now it’s time for me to hear from you. I would like to know how you stay connected to your teenage son.
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Author bio
Becky Stafferton is a full-time content maker, web publisher and Blog strategy coach. She constantly strives to promote a realistic, sustainable and positive image of how they can lead a healthy life. If she does not write, she can be found by muddy puddles, make lists of frames, have a good old moan, talk to her dog in funny voices, renovate her house in the country and learn owners of small companies to successfully use blogging in their company.
